God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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