I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
