Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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