My friends, they love my intelligence
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
