did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
