i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
