I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
