i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
false alarm, still single
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