The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
