The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
