dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
