you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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