Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I can't put those talents on a resume
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
