I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
