just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
