dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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