I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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