It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
