Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
