I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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