I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
