Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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