Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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