You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
