4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Me too!
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
