once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I'd cum for enchiladas.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
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