Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
When are your genitals available?
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
