update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
