I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
