I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
