they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
