I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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