I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
