i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
