don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
