oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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