The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
