Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Randomize
