I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Im part way to drunk.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Randomize
