You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
