last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
