And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
