watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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