I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
