All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
