2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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