Your face is a jimmy john
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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