I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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