I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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