I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Randomize
