I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
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