anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
