i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
