I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
