I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
