You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Watching her eat just hurts me
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize