I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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