Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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