My sheets look like a crime scene.
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
