I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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