last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
