U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Dicks are not precious.
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