He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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