Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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