He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
