At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
The chlamydia really affected his face.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
