babies were throwing up all over the place
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
