i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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