talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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