mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
